From the Slums of Kezan to the High Life

Look, darling, I grew up in the Undermine. I know the smell of burning oil and desperate commerce better than I know my own mother. But even back when I was knee-high to a cog-wheel, I knew I was destined for more than just scrapping parts in the dark. While the other goblins were playing with mud, I was trying to figure out how to transmute that mud into gold—or at least into something explosive enough to steal the gold. I clawed my way out of the soot, put on some lilac eyeshadow, and decided that if the world wasn't going to sparkle, I’d set it on fire until it did.

Destruction: It’s Not a Phase, It’s a Lifestyle

People ask, "Gobblyena, why Destruction? Why not Affliction?" Please. Do I look like someone who has the patience to wait for a curse to tick? I want results, and I want them bright purple. Chaos Bolts are simply the most fashionable way to solve a dispute. There is an art to raining fel-fire down on your enemies while ensuring your pigtails don't get singed. I don't just cast spells; I put on a light show. If you aren't leaving a crater, you aren't trying hard enough.

The Hustle: Alchemy, Engineering, and Absolute Profit

Let’s be real: I’m not an adventurer for the "glory." Glory doesn't buy silk robes or import void-shards. That’s why I mastered the twin arts of Engineering and Alchemy.

• • Engineering: Because if you can’t blow it up, you can’t sell the scrap metal. (Also, goggles are chic).

  • Alchemy: Because selling potions to heroes who stand in fire is a recession-proof business model. I supply the goods, I create the demand (usually by blowing something up), and I collect the coin. It’s the Circle of Life, sweetie, and I’m the one holding the wallet.

The Delve Grind (feat. Brann Bronzebeard)

Currently, I am dragging myself through Tier 11 Delves. It is grueling work. The dampness does terrible things to the silver trim on my dress, and don't get me started on Brann. The dwarf is lovely, really, but if he asks me about the "archaeological significance" of a pile of rocks one more time, I’m going to polymorph him into a sheep. I’m here for the Great Vault, Brann, not a history lecture! Just keep shooting your gun and let me loot the chest.

Staff Management: Krakmon

And finally, a word on my associate, Krakmon. Look at him. Big, purple, terrifying, no legs. He’s the perfect employee: he doesn't eat, he doesn't ask for a raise, and he blocks all the physical trauma so I don't have to. I point, he smashes. Sometimes he looks at me with those glowing, empty eyes like he’s contemplating the futility of his existence bound to a goblin socialite, but I just toss him a mana biscuit and tell him to tank the boss. He’s a voidwalker, not a philosopher.

TL;DR: I’m small, I’m purple, and I do massive DPS. Pay me.